I was always amazed when i was a kid when i would see some newscast of some man ready to be put to death and the obligatory interview of the man’s mother would flash across the screen. You could tell there was anguish in the mothers face, but never one of disgust so much for what their child had become, but for the love lost that the mother seemed to feel, not for herself, but for the child that had lost love for life, for humanity at-large.
The sadness, for the most part, was a sadness for love, then. It was never self-centered in that it was not a “why could you do this to me,” as often times love is, but a sense of sadness on the beauty of the missed opportunities that this person will not be a part of.
They say that other than the love God has for his creation, that the love of a mother is the closest thing we get to unconditional love.
I can see that point, however, i don’t agree with it as we are all capable. Yes, men, we are creatures born of love, and are capable of a love as deep and resounding, true unconditional love, as any one else.
In my years as a director, i was often amazed as to the ways a production came together when the cast and crew generally had a genuine love and respect for one another. It seemed as if one person came in with an attitude of being the star, then the play suffered. My directing, then, was as much breeding the egoic nature of performing out, while bringing the love of the art of the production into every performance.
Ask any sports coach of a professional team, which i have, and, in their own way, they will tell you the same thing. Multimillion dollar salaries come with an egoic price that sometimes destroys a team. They are, then, the true coaching opportunities.
My point in all of this: Ego and Love are Never Pals.
In this culture of throw-away relationships and throw-away marriages, love has taken a beating and it seems that we have forgotten the truth of love. The very fact that we know of unconditional love, means it exists. Love, then, has just become a muddled mess and used by the ego as a tool, a weapon and a way to advance the ego’s right to exist; to protect us from whatever.
While i am not an avid sports fan, i once had someone who was explain the relationship of men to sports. “Men,” he told me, “love sports because the beauty of the game (whatever the sport is) never lets them down. Yes, it (love) usually is directed as an allegiance to a team, but it is the essence of the statistics, to a degree, the nature of the game, that they love. The game itself never truly lets them down, it is only the nature of the performance of the individuals. They can love the game because the game is an unconditional love, of sorts.”
I can understand the emotion of that sentiment as a theatrical director. I would always tell my actors at the beginning of the rehearsals that “the play is the thing” meaning that, no matter what each brought to the table in terms of talent, it is the play that is being served by that talent and then served to the masses.
Such is the nature of love. When love is the thing, we bring who we are to love and if there is any reordering of that sequence, you need to see if the ego is the thing.
Step 1: Release all past hurts in love; Forgive
Enough can not be said of this aspect of living in general; the very art of forgiving. Yes, it is an art but, like love, it has been bastardized that even the word itself means so little. It is like when you were a kid and your mother or father told you to say you were sorry to a sibling. You said it, not so much that you were, but to appease the guardian so as to not inflict wrath for not at least acting as much.
The ego then uses that throughout life and gives you the idea that you have forgiven those as needed, as a way to appease. Look, as far as relationships go, the only one that has “worked” is the one you are in, right? Unless, you have been with one person only, and have never had any other feelings for anyone else, everyone has “failed” at most every relationship.
Now, the point here is that the very terms of “worked” and “failed” are egoic terms used to keep you tied to the past and looking to some future relationship that serves only the ego.
All relationships are put here to give us a sense of humanity. If they are life-long journeys, or brief encounters, they teach us, they guide us, they are us. Forgive the relationships that the ego has tried to hold you in within time and understand that everyone is on their own journey.
Release the ego’s hold on all of the past relationships and truly forgive.
Step 2: Understand that Love is its Own Energy
Some would be confused by that statement as the ego, once again, thinks it directs all aspects of love. I think it is best explained this way; Have you ever moved from a house you lived in for a long period of time? Did you go back one more time and go through it just to reminisce?
The point is that the house is just a shell, what gave it the energy were the souls of love that inhabited and shared a truth of love within it. The house becomes, in a sense, the unconditional love. It is a safe place, a place of comfort.
That is the basis for the expression, “Home is where the heart is.” When we see someone that society has deemed “homeless”, it is not so much that they don’t have a physical structure, but a place where they feel a sense of unconditional love. This is true homelessness.
When you truly understand that love is its own energy, you move on to Step 3.
Step 3: The 100% Solution
The ego always tells you that there is an essence of love that expects something in return and the sad thing is that we have come to believe it. It is like when you receive a gift and the gift seems to have strings attached. Like when your loved one gives you something and then admonishes you if you don’t use it as the ego intends.
Then it is not really a gift, is it?
We have all probably done it; given something and expected them to like it and use it and feel offended if it is not. If you give someone an article of clothing and they turn around and throw it away or give it immediately to someone else, while in front of you, then it should not offend you in any way.
Sounds hard does it not? But the real question is why are you offended? The moment you gave the gift, you should be practicing the 100% Solution; the release of 100% of love and the expectation of nothing in return.
Trust me, i have heard it all here; “I don’t want to be a doormat.” “I won’t ever be appreciated”, “I’ll be taken advantage of” or whatever else the ego uses to protect you.
But a great quote from Thomas Kimpas reads, “He who loves with purity considers not the gift of the lover, but the love of the giver.”
The 100% Solution is simply giving with all that you are and don’t expect anything in return. Give 100% and, when you truly reach that in any relationship, with life, you shall be released of any egoic tendencies to insulate or protect yourself from love.
But, instead you simply become love.
Forgive, Accept the Energy of Love and Become the 100% Solution for there you will find yourself.
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DA Southern is a Strategic Life Coach, teaching the spirit of living in Now Moments with the principles he experienced during over 35 years as an actor and director in live theatre. DA coaches his clients to rid life of limiting beliefs that have kept them from achieving miracles in all areas of their life by embracing Mindfulness of the Present Moment with a renewed Vision for life. Contact DA Southern for coaching @ firstname.lastname@example.org